Not Looking

It's strange how ironical and absolutely necessary some days come together.....  Or even a week.

We all have heard the term to stop and smell the flowers or however it goes (guess I clearly haven't heard it :D)  but you know what I'm saying......  I am going to adapt the phrase to mean the EXACT same thing - but give you a whole new meaning for it ........ :) ..... Got it ?.......... Ready?......

Stop and hear the birds..........

The soft serenading tweet of a bird can really open your heart for a sort of uplifting boost that can ACTUALLY brighten your day..... You'll just have to take it in........  Now of course although I do love the songs of a bird every once in a while I mean particular things that people say -  The world of "people" - your friends..... Your family --- and yourself...  We all get the hello from a stranger that we KNOW we have met, but of course for the life of us we just can not pin point when and where or WHAT the hell their name is!!

But how cool is it that they (half the time not remembering you) say hello to you in a walk by through the halls of your school - the grocery store - in the elevator - or even on a random street.......

Well folks --- this week - Though I didn't (and have never actually) felt like I needed a good "REAL" heart felt compliment - I got one of the best kinds.......... 

The ones where the person giving the compliment doesn't mean to give it to you - but at the same time does....... conflicting yes......... But here's my story.  :)

-Mission 33- Compliment Soup for the Theater Students Soul

Let's begin with the ending and work our way back.....

Yesterday (seeing how it's at this moment a quarter after 1 here in Toronto) I was in one of my many forms of acting classes....  - Because "acting" folks -- is not just simply "drama"...  Crazy I know - yet my jaw bone and diaphragm thank me every night for the work out.......

So in this class we had a brief spontaneous chat with our professor about "insults" and how amazing we would all be through a little more complimenting in our lives.

She used the idea of telling a child that they are "stupid" or telling them to "shut up".......  Telling someone to shut up is of course the initial phrasing we use to make someone stop talking (initially) because we cannot handle what they are saying to us.....  A shame really...  To quiet someone - although in the general idea that they are saying something completely wrong or obtuse to what they should be saying --- We actually bring embarrassment on to the person talking and completely belittling them.... Causing them.... to feel "Stupid"......  Double whammy folks.......  Though I found it funny how I had been called "stupid" in more a kidding (hopefully) flirty way - no more than 20 minutes prior to this discussion, I was left with the feeling of "damn why don't I understand things sometimes.  I am soo useless" - and - "DAMN I hope she was flirting with me".......  The 2nd being the main reaction completely erasing the first thought - but the first one was encountered and there was an emotional response in those mere seconds....

Now we discussed how uplifting it would be to simply compliment.  To get out of the addiction of talking "the bads" of people - but rather the "goods"........ Think about it......  Compliments don't NEED to be to a persons face or even directed at them personally.....  The hardest but BEST way to get into a state of ease when it comes to complimenting is to discuss the goods of people in a discussion where their name happens to pop up......  Yes of course I know as a human race we NEVER EVER gossip - or bring someone up as the subject in our transitive sentence ;)  -- but let's start creating our subject compliment in that sentence a tad more NICER!  -- shall we?

(apologies - my weakest class in grammar -- you're gonna have to suck it for now.... and then of course excuse the poorly written sentences... :D)

A bit before this class - being of course a wopping 3 hours before hand - I was in Ballet.....  Now you shouldn't fear Ballet classes gentlemen  -- if you don't lose you're masculinity it is quite a sexy way of moving........  Now for myself..... I lost the masculinity.............. :D - So here's compliment #2 of 2..... (remember --- we're moving backwards ;))

My ballet teacher is of course a hilarious british lass with a phenomenal amount of training and experience in the art.  --- now I say of course because I always stereotypically imagine a ballet teacher as being either - British - Russian or French........  The only REALLY different part is that I imagine all 3 of those cultures to teach and act like Ballet Nazi's.... :D But bless her heart - mine is funny.........  And so to begin this compliment ---  "You know the thing I hate about you P.J is..............."

Like it so far?  I know I did.. Made me chuckle...  (or if an old friend used to say "made me bum tremble" :))

She inevitably was telling me that "I" had a nice attractive body and that although I looked the part of a man...... I danced like a complete "poofter"  :) 

Take it as you can folks --- While some walk away with sadness over being called feminine as a man (dancing) -- I walked away with "damn pj!  You're not as ugly as you think!!"

It was a nice moment for me...........  I know we are all self conscious and it is nice to hear that "you look really good" line every now and again....  But due to growing up and having a ton of friends whom were girls and them always calling that random guy "gorgeous" --- It's nice to FINALY hear it about yourself......  not saying she called me gorgeous .... but for once I felt it.... you know?

Compliment number 1.

It was Tuesday afternoon and there was about 5 minutes left in class.  this was a Vocal class for us to try out Musical Theater Solos.... AND BOOM..... I get called up..... Lame..... sigh... AAAALRIGHT.... I go up and sing "Where I Want To Be" from the Musical "Chess"....  I sing the song.. Do my best.... About halfway through my ending I try desperately to get to that climactic emotion and push myself in the song..... But I don't do so well....  

Now in this class the teacher will at this moment come up and do a quick exercise with you - varying from a squat position and her holding your jaw open to feel how it should be while you sing... Or get someone to come up and "seduce"/"make-out" with you .... This is of course depending on the context of your song... Mine isn't the make out type of song - so no dice for me.........

She simply came up to me .......  Grabbed my arms and said...... "PJ IS ENOUGH"...........

:) 

This is to of course get me to realize that I am trying to show too much emotion rather than keeping it more myself.......  But WOW......  Put your own name in there and use it in other contexts!..........  

I've had a really hard couple of weeks with the loss of a dear friend and having to sit out of a lot of classes due to a foot injury....  I am only know back into the swing..... (excuse the pun.......I swing dance..........ahem) ----- I failed a couple of quiz's the monday/tuesday after the big news of my friend popped up.......  I have a pile of work now piled up and no time to do it due to this weekend being a mandatory attendance to the 2nd years "dance critiques"...........  Where's the time?

It's not hard to say I'm stressed.... It's hard to feel it day to day...... But......... PJ..... You are ..... Enough.........

I can do it..... And I will do it....

SURE I'll be tired as hell......  But you need to sacrifice things and endure through the pain for those things you REALLY want......  I want the life I have....... I am NOT losing it.

PJ IS ENOUGH............................... Are you?

-pJ

Through my eyes

There's something in a song.

We all know this vague statement to be true.  EIther by a romantic feeling of bliss or some beat driven pound in the backdrop playing a quick wrestling match with your chest as it beats louder and louder in that cadillac driving past quite obnoxiously to say "This is what you should like - so suck it!"......

pfft - so suck it......  lame

There is something in a guitar string - preferably an acoustic -  that beautifies moments and brings an odd sense of abyss to someone psyche.  

And then of course there is something is a song that goes --- (pardon my french) -- "WAY TO RUIN A MOMENT YOU COCKTEASE!!"

Vulgar yes ---- but let's think for a second..... Although disturbed that I mentioned a rooster right there - How many songs did you think of that made you go "If only they had..............."

Okay none seeing how I mentioned a Penis .......  But C'mon - let's face it folks -- we know what we like and sometimes what we like makes us believe we know what's best for a song.

Like Reggae. 

It's slowly becoming my favorite genre....  But of course - like an afro --- There is an original --- and a white boy version ..... :) 

I know I know ---  I usually discuss on Jason Mraz every few blogs but this time I wont.......... as much :)

-Mission 32- Sean-a Paul Somi-da-somthin!

HOW do people not hate it when an artist screams out their names at the beginning of a song - or even in the middle or ending ..... OR how about during a performance?!!?!  -- C'mon people --  Not only is this a tacky technique in order to get an audience member "into the song" (lazy fricken "artist") -- but also it actually takes away from the song ..... IN MY OPINION of course....  There are in this world people who enjoy being swoon off their feet to some gentlemen of sorts screaming out their own name in a song - this of course gives them the fortunate opportunity to drive down a city block with the bass blowing both their car speakers and their ear drums out just to say "YEH - SHAGGAY!"

Don't get me wrong - I love Shaggy -- He tickles my fancy when I feel like turning on some of the sexy music to get into a jive of sorts - but please .....  Unless I was listening to the radio and didn't hear the introduction to the song by the DJ - THEN and only THEN will I appreciate a little eminem style of "hi my name is" --- but thats only if it's a good song.  

Not to say it's much better - but thinking back to music I don't listen to - "JaRule"  if we all remember that bald headed minstrel - he would be a bit of a tease - as to not say his name but to ask you what it was.....  You all know what I speak of ...... (again - sorry for my foreign language) "What's my Mutha Fuckin name?!"  - He would shout..... This was clever for the sole purpose of getting people to love him more and more through his cockiness - because he KNEW he didn't have to announce his name as if to enter a room full of strangers - but instead ask each and everyone of us - "who's our mack dadday?" --- And he knew - it would be him......  What a guy....  Man of my own heart --- yet in the wrong business :) 

So in light of my deep hatred to an "artist" attempting to write poetry through the over abundance use of their own name --- I entitle this next piece 

"The Beach Boyd"

haha not even going to .....  But I could have done something similar and wrote "Backstreet Boyd"  -- but honestly people - I don't know how to really get my point across!  -- It's like hearing the lyrics :

"Imagine there's no heaven - it's easy if you try.

No hell below us.  Above us only sky -- 

JOHN LENNON MUTHA FUCKAAA!"

Ruins it don'tcha think?

Poetry....  - It's compassion through the educated?  No...  not quite.....  Is it a bit of scripture that teaches us romantics? ------  No .... 

It's in living.  Loving - ---  Poetry is about touching another.  To move.  To live.  To write.

Kid you not - I love poetry - not in the sense where I could quote Keats or talk to you about the fine beauty in Angelou's writings or Whitmans incredible beard behind the words....  

I write this because I see art in everything ..... Even in the plastic bottles that litter our world ---  and when I see beauty - I see Poetry.......  

These are the things I see in my eyes...  My eyes see the romantic things...  It's who I am... You may be the one who sees a painting or a song from the clouds in the sky or the child skipping to the beat of traffic.......

(hint - click on link below)

WE DAY - teaches us to love everyone and to help everyone....  What is better in love then to help?  -  C'mon - What is a stronger way to love someone than to help them?  Whether it's to put a smile on their face or to give them a hug......  it helps.

I know for the students of this world that struggle to buy that loaf of bread and skippy peanut butter - to help support a child in another country or to support a charity is something we can only think of as a nice thing --- I say - use your recourses and love each other.  Help the people close to home if the people far away you feel are not in reach....  I encourage you -- and even MYSELF - to reach out as far as you can go -- but if the person beside you is the person in need.........  DO NOT hesitate - No more - Noooo More - This is our fate...............  The WORLD is ours.....  Let's clean it like a kitchen ;)

-Funny how I can go from crappy rap singers to helping the world huh???

-it's how I do;)

-pJ

no.

No is my intention......

I say no to this next blog......

I say no to my thoughts and to what I want to feel.

A man once said we choose to feel sad or depressed. I don't fully agree with this man when it comes to the unsuspecting situations that throw you off of any ship into an ocean you REALLY can't swim in.

Daniel Macivor wrote a play called "Never Swim Alone"......... I wont be.

And until (finishing off my metaphor/bare with me) I return home - I am not writing what is on my heart right now.

I always try to write what is on my mind or heart or what has been tampering with my soul - but in the last week I have been flip turned up side down and am taking a moment to find my peace.

Never Swim Alone....... you will drown.... I'm drowning now...... But when that last breathe comes I will reach out for that hand - and I know one will be there for me to grasp.... And for that I am thankful.

-pJ

(I think I shall write next about the consumption of toilet paper :)... Think tossing a candy wrapper on the ground is littering? - People - Our asses are the biggest world destroyers of em all.... Wipe cautiously until next we speak ;) )

One foot in front of the Other

Its the calm befor the storm...

From a simple phone call I have been takin from a calm place.  Filled with blissful thoughts of movement and freedom through dance.... Then... Ring ring....

I haven't been able to move very well.
I'm a hell of a dancer haha not someone to brag about or mention in conversation - but I can blend in... BLEND in. Not hide.

A week ago I cut my foot on some glass and have been pretty slow moving - if that - since... It was an interesting day filled with pain, stress, and oddly enough walking. Life on the limp lane has been something to reflect upon...

-Mission 31- I will NOT walk 500 miles!

The rooster would have crowed its last crow this morning. Something about wakeing up this day was not something I wanted to do. Friday mornings are nobodys friends. But of course - you need friday morning before you get friday night. And we all know what happens then... So of course - we endure.
I endured. The constant polyphonic alarm clock ring of "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz had played enough now. I was up.  It was time to spend my traditional morning routine of get dressed in 10 different outfits and distinguish that I look to fat in all of them so I'll put on my dirty old plaid shirt...... -:D- How I do this - study in a musical theater program - and am straight, is BEYOND me......  Literally - God man.....  Sometimes I'm curious......  Not BY-Curious - just curious about how I am the way I am................  I'm a walking question these days.....

I was on to my 5th or 6th outfit ;) - whose to know these days - but as I continued my 13 year old girl routine - I noticed a very cool looking "Guiness" glass fall to the ground and smash something fierce on the ground........ "FEW" - I would then think to myself - "It JUST missed my foot!  Man that would have put me on the side lines for a while!" ---- Little did I know that 2 shards of glass were now stuck to the ball of my foot just WAITING to make port within my blood veins.................. Shall I continue my story?....... :).... paying attention are we? (this next part is rated 18A)

"FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Okay - I'm awake now..... My foot is bloody - and I officially can not walk a step without screaming something a tad more french then the above content.....  I tried for a few moments to pry what little bits I could see from my flesh - but as a dear dear friend of mine would say in a West Indian accent .... "NoOoOoOoOo!"  (I heart Somo)

For those playing the homegame ----- I am in a Musical Theater Program at Sheridan Collage in Oakville, Ontario, Canada...........  For those of you who have never been in a program like this - I urge you to think of boot camp.......  Liza Minelli boot camp to be exact......  From the first initial "Fuck" battle cry cursing my piggies for the pain they were feeling - I was a mere 20 minutes away from a morning Tap Dance class................  I apologize if this is way over your head - but in order to Tap Dance.... You need full accessibility to the balls of your feet.  Yes I said balls - Take a moment now to chuckle and continue reading as I think spiteful things for you :) ............................ (That was a test to see if you would laugh....... Test is also like testic........ ahem...... :).... sorry)

SO -

Im screwed.......  What am I going to do? -- The only thing a professional would do....... I limped my ass to school in my dance wear and put on one of my tap shoes as my foot bled through the superhero band-aid and Toronto Maple Leaf Sock.......

My program is amazing..... It reeeeaallly is.  It is about craft - and progress.  The result should be clear at the end of the journey - so the teachers/professors/choreographers/vocal coaches/ artists of MANY-A variety - are scared for my well being....  And my teacher in tap (bless her heart) sent me straight out to the nearest Walk in Clinic.........

Walk in Clinic?.............. Really?

Ohhhh yes....  Living as a starving artist this past month has taught me many things.  Number 1.  Cheap Soup is GOOOOOOOOD.  Number 2.  If it's between Coffee or Laundry - I'm going to always have nice smelling cologne around......  And of course -- YOU WALK EVERYWHERE!!!!

But today -- I limp....  

I waited for an hour until they finally saw me... Looked at my foot .....  They decided to dig around for a bit......  My foot had become a bloody diamond mine and this woman obtained the strength of all bloody seven dwarves - WORST PAIN ---  But alas - following a few squirms and manly coughs to show some sign of being a guy - she established there was no glass in my foot................ That she could see..... god damnit........  

So off I walked what should have been a 4 minute walk but turned into a 10 minute limp to this "X-Ray" office of some sort in the basement of some odd pharmaceutical building.  And just as quickly as they had wrapped up my foot in the clinic - this random woman who failed to mention her name had stripped the bandages right off........  Don't get me wrong - she seemed nice.  But I do prefer to be on a first name basis before somebody strips me down.

A few moments and foot movements later we were done.....  She walked out quickly and I was unsatisfied at the fact she didn't notice my glorious ballet point (;D) and her STILL not leaving me with a name or even a goodbye.  So in the assumption that I was all finished I hobbled up to the store and bought more bandages to wrap my foot in.....  Then off to class for the afternoon - sitting out and watching....  Lucky for me I had "POP" class - so I busted out my queen (Tabitha) and rocked that Ukulele to a version of "I'm Yours" with a little Bob Marley thrown in to spruce up my day!

Then off to my city of Toronto for a weekend away - I even stopped off to get some cologne.....  Was really tired this past week/needed my coffee.

And alas..... A week has passed.....  Sitting out from most of my dance classes - I get the call....  

Now I was told that if I didn't hear from them then I would be in the clear... "Hello Mr.Patrick - We would like to see you in the office to discuss about your X-Ray results...  Preferably tonight if you can."

I was allowed to leave class early and hobble my way to the doctors office.  Lucky for me I was tired and not wanting to go - so this was the beginning of an amazing evening..... sigh......  I took my seat in the waiting room and fell right a sleep.... I woke up to the giggles of pretty girls....  To my embarrassment I was making some of my sleeping noises..... Y'know...  just... don't ask... k?....  It's not gross.... but ..... Just don't....... sniff sniff...... ummmmmmmm...... cough.

"Patrick, you can come with us into the next room!"

I was quick to get up and answer in a manly voice to redeem some respect around the girls before dropping my hat and wobbling off as if I were some drunk off the street..... sigh....

It took a half an hour before the doctor finally got into the room and took a look at my foot.  He told me flat out that the X-rays came back saying I had glass in there still.  He gave me the option of just carrying on with my life and allowing the pain to heal although there would always be some sort of throbbing feeling I thought to myself......  SO I asked what was my option with this whole "Operation" he wanted to perform.

He told me I could simply book a time to come in and let him dig around to put it in a less than poetic fashion.....  Having a vision of my Voice and Tech in Acting class professor yelling at me to "get the damn thing fixed because you're a dancer god damnit!  That's your money maker!"

I told the doc to get me under the knife right then and there.

First thing out was a tiny little sparkle of glass.  We had a good laugh at the pain I could have felt over that....  Little did we know that the second bundle of joy to come into this world was a 2mm pointy piece of glass that had a nice red tint to it over the last week of my hot tub foot.  

We finished rather quick - cleaned me up - and I hobbled back home.... sigh....

Now the moral of my story is this.....................

Beyonce' had the BEST video this year!  Like C'mon people!

-pJ

(sighh, I hate Kanye)