It comes from Sondheim

Somethings coming...

From an amazingly difficult - but powerfully energetic and inspiring song from West Side Story - to the hope that fills me up to this day.

The night is darkest before the dawn. And quite frankly - this year has been quite awful. And tonight as I lay in bed - on of the last of the year (explanation coming) - I ponder my year as the events brought me to this moment. This moment where I sit - sipping rum and watching the Muppets Christmas Carol for about the 14th time in about 2 months..... I was challenged by a dear friend of mine to watch it 20 times before I go away...... I wont...... But ........ I might :)

But I have stumbled upon the year behind me.... And yes.... As I sit her - with the smile on my face - and the sadness in my eyes..... And the battle wounds on my heart (literally). I think... "That was the worst year of my life."

It's a sad statement. Especially since things have happened soo blissfully that I have gone through such amazing moments of joy. Like when I was welcomed into a wonderful cast of people - in a show that I was asked to play lead in. "Crazy For You" - A Gershwin musical that was sooo fun. And from there I was able to room with one of my closest friends for the entirety of the spring, as we helped serve a Camp whose sole mission is to bring joy to children from any life, background, or circumstance. And show them the joy and love, of people, of the world, and of God.

And yet - as I lay here now - though smiling at the times I was blessed with...... It is the times of pain that overtook my year.

It began with my best friend leaving for the year. Sure no biggy. We talked a lot - and due to him being in a separate city most of the year - it sometimes felt the same...... But where it felt different...... Where that door opened to....... It all started with an amazing role model passing from this life - to the next. In a media frenzy, I couldn't find the time to understand it all - especially with school on my hands. Though it still affects me sometimes when I take public transit - I know Gods hugging him - as he's high fiving me while I walk on the subway.

And then I was asked to leave a program to which I fell madly in love with.

I would walk into the halls as giddy as a 10 year old girl at a Justin Beiber concert - not realizing he's probably just some lesbian pretending to be a little boy from Stratford Ontario.

But - I'm not the greatest at Musical Theory - and this program is the best - it is the best because not only do they accept the best - train the best - and support the best - but they keep on the best. And with one failing mark - you walk..... And I do mean walk... Though the program you would think I would pirouette out of the building. This is no happy occasion... I was lost..... And to my worst enemy (ahemthesnuggie) do I wish this never to happen to... Being torn away from the life you love.

Not only was I asked to leave the school - I was sad to part from my new friends - most of whom I would lose contact with - and I would become nothing more then a brief memory of bandana's and bare feet to.

3 months would pass - and I would have an attack. So intense that my heart was physically bouncing up and down from my chess. You could see my body pulsating in ways even Elvis would think were too provocative. It was a bad night- filled with an emergency room visit where a nurse would giggle at me thinking I had to take off my pants - (they were looong taken off at this point) -- and a ton of blood work.

After a brilliant Spring came a summer I was depressed about being depressed. It seemed as though every night I was sad. And every night I wished for a place to call home. I was living in a place I never wanted to leave. But I found myself not wanting to be there at night - and being completely distraught about that feeling, because of how much I loved what I was doing and where I was. It was confusing, and depressing....... And from there came my heart surgery.

It took the cake..... It made the cake...... It is a story I will never shake.....

I assure you that due to my nature - none of these sad stories go without a ridiculously silly accompaniment. I just get into the funniest situations. And from having nurses giggling and asking me why I took off my pants - to a male nurse asking how my day was (immediately after getting heart surgery and while he is washing my gentiles...)

But this year is now over... I end it by leaving the country - to the Caribbean - and visiting New York to welcome in a breathe of fresh air.

And now as I take my rest at 3:15 in the morning - I continue to smile - because I know -- There is something coming for me. There is something good on its way - and I wont be afraid to go searching for it. With a year like this - there is nothing but the walk forward. There is nothing but picking yourself up and moving on to something that is bound to hit your way. But I think it's better to move towards it as it comes to you. Gets here faster ;)

This will be my last post of the year. And though over the last 2 months I have been rather stingy on the postings - I still thank you for reading on and caring about myself and these words.

Keep walking. Please. Trust me - I know how life can get shitty. I REALLY know! I did this whole year without a lovely little number to hold me tight at night - trust me I know. And I know something good is coming. Any day now. I can feel it.

There's something due, any day. I will know, right away. Soon as it shows.

Who knows.......

Somethings Coming.

Happy Christmas. And a Very Merry New Year to You! Cheers. Be happy - be well - and Practice Gratitude!

I'll see yah in the 2011

-pJ