On This Very Christmas Night

And so it begins.

Yet another Christmas eve I claim to my own.  In spirit of not only the holiday season but more in  a certain Broadway hit to which is gracing the streets of Toronto - I wish to raise my arms and in a NON christmas celebratory gesture - raise my arms and shout TRADITION!!

In previous years I make my night by a drink and a candle lit room as Christmas specials brighten my night as I darken it with deep thoughts and philosophical in put in what I have learned this past year.  And this past one has been an adventure and a half.  One where when I think back - I dream of living back in those moments where I just looked at the sky and said - "this is me.  this is my life.... way to go PJ!  You've done it!"

I had great moments this year.

For starters I started off this year being a musical production of Guys and Dolls playing opposite my best friend.  It was like going on stage each night and being myself and being applauded for it.

Around that time I went with 3 of my most amazing friends to New York City.  I wont forget that trip.  It was amazing.  And if I ever make my way back - in any form - I will remember those kodak moments.

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Before I go any further....  I am stopping this New Years flashback to a year which I can think of beautiful moments filled with joy - happiness given by others, and even pain -----  I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of dreaming over the last year.  And as I find myself on the same couch I have found myself on the eve of Christmas Day celebrating Christ's Birthday in my style of drinking myself silly while watching "White Christmas" and writing what ever comes to my mind - I have discovered something.......  It's now December 26th.....  Christmas Day has come and gone and I wasn't able to finish my train of thought.

HERE'S WHY

I found myself - for the first time in a long time - COMPLETELY lost......  Though I have had moments in my life and in the past year where I have looked at myself and questioned where is my place in this world - what am I doing?  Why do I feel in such ways ---- I have discovered something about myself.

Like the Grinch I have learned over the last few years not to care what comes out of packages, boxes or bags.  It has been in my friendships where I have found great joy.  So over the last little while I have been able to go out to celebrations where giving is involved and just being able to find joy in the idea that someone is finding just as much joy watching me hold the thing that they bought to put a smile on my face.......

Though a very important thing to learn and feel when in a Christmas mood - I have wanted something......  This Christmas I have wanted something for the first time in a long time.

As I found myself sitting in the candle lit room as Bing Crosby in White Christmas filled the air ultimately having me miss a phone call from my Brother who has been un able to call home in Two months due to being on the Ocean with a failed satellite on his ship --- I have found the Christmas gift that I really wanted was......  A lady to share my moment with.

I wouldn't call myself a lonely guy, I am though of as a happy-go-lucky guy amongst my friends and though I don't have any woman in mind - I found myself really truly wanting someone to snuggle up to on this holiday and just sort of squeeze me all the harder as a way to say "Happy Christmas".  

I understand I have passed up opportunities this year to have a chance to be with some amazing people in a romantic way - it wasn't meant to be.  Who knows - I may find my way back into the life of one of my past heart throbs - but whom ever it is - I know the first thing I will do is embrace them all the tighter to show them how much they mean to me.  Every day.  That's Christmas...  Every day do I feel we should take the person that we hold closest to our hearts and just squeeze em something fierce. 

To those of you who are apart of the lucky world of love - I tell you this - hold them - and love them, any, and EVERY chance you get.  

Even when they are being complete ARSES!  You'll find that life is still worth while - when they are in your arms.

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I have left my place of study.  I am taking on this world head first and trying to get into a business of acting/singing/ entertaining by a means of just simply making someone smile - and perhaps even shakin their hips side to side with a funky tune.   If I don't find success - I hope I find joy and love.  If when I find myself performing perhaps one of my songs on a bar stage somewhere in a dodgy stage in the greater Toronto area - and I find the eyes of another connect to mine --- I hope for strength...  Life's too short to pass up excitement and adventure.

Hold those close to you.

(I'd be holding my cat right now if he were not licking himself AS WE SPEAK)

But hold those - and love those around you.

The greatest gift you can give this holiday season - is love.

-pJ

(as a special shout out - the greatest part of my Christmas this year is to watch my friends Liane and Ken give themselves to each other through Marriage.  Congratulations to them!  I have been SOOOO excited for them for a long time!)