Go !

There's not much that I have been willing to write about as of late.

I haven't done much. No random crazy-go nuttty adventures or even work as of late.

And I know after a long time of working someone would view that as the most AMAZING thing ever. But for me. No........... Simply. Just no. I don't use no in a negative way -- as hard as it is to not -- but when I say the word no I mean that in a sorry sort of tone but I can not do something or something just cant happen respectively.

But as I say it now - in my head. I mean it in the worst possible way to mean it. With all the pain and depression wrapped around it as if it were the newest crap advertised by Taco Bell. I haven't hated something in a long time. I ignore things that I would otherwise hate. I would become indifferent in every way - not even think about it - have no emotions towards the idea or topic and even person in some cases. I just wont hate. It isn't in my moods/philosophy... It isn't in me.

But over the last few weeks I haven't done too much to be proud of. In fact depression kicked in half way through and things that I would have otherwise been proud of to acknowledge - I didn't.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I don't think I have ever felt a sort of depression like this. One of those stereotypical cries for help. The sitting in the tub with cold water shooting down - the depressing music being played non stop - The point where no movie could be depressing enough for me to go..... Hmmm... That right there is heart breaking..... As I usually say out loud after most heart throbbing movies.

But don't read this and go - CAN I HELP YOU? haha please don't - Because as depressed as I am - There have been things in my life to sort of shield me from collapsing. To fully shut down has never been something I have been able to do. In fact the one thing in my life I am proud to say - is that as I reach the week where I become a 20 year old - I can say I have survived my Teen years and never once even for a second thought about suicide.

Now I know some people are going "so? Neither have I" - But in a world soo torn from sadness and grief - and living through some hard times especially over certain years that I can remember - this is HUGE.

But certain songs have been very Therapeutic for me. As my close friends would know - I grasp on to some form of artist and fully become indulged - almost intertwined with their art. From what I understand about myself this has always been my little escape.

From the music of the Beatles - transforming to the Works of John Lennon - to films by Johnny Depp - and now the Music and philosophies given by Jason Mraz.

Sure there have been tons other - some of which only I would fully remember - but these guys make the short list of recognizable stages in my life to which people would have called me a nut case in hahah.

Here's the thing folks - songs like "I'm Yours" and "Plane" by Jason Mraz pull me from reality and full out do their ...... .... blank...... You know what I'm saying - You have ALL been there.

But it is song's like these that cause me to go - hmmm why be sad? I can choose these emotions if I want - I can grasp this melancholy by it's throat and store it away for a rainy day. Or during that rainy day - listen to one of these songs and go - "It's time to dance".

You remember that? A blog and a half back I talked about dancing around in the rain and full out freeing yourself.

You just can't let your mind STOP you from having a good time. You may not think it's easy - because once you're in those mood's you think - I'm lost.

MAN. Remember those times when you were dumped by someone - or something just really hurt you? Remember that sadness? - The thing I HATE is when after sooo long of sitting and feeling sorry for yourself - you just sit and die inside. I once tried to help out a friend get over someone who had hurt her real bad. And my idea was to GET UP - let's hit the town - walk around - have some fun..... But having someone feel sorry for them was their only comfort or even want at that time.

Y'know I can dig that. You need comfort from someone. But after soo long you can not let that pain become you. I am a happier guy because of it. I haven't had someone close to me in a long time. I have had those nights where I just wished someone was there to cuddle up to and watch a movie - or go for a nice Scottish walk in the rain - but nope. So out comes those moments.

Tonight I gave in to one of those feelings hardcore. And then came the rain...... :)

Coming from the guy who has been wearing Flip Flops outside for the last 4 Winter February days in Canada - I saw my time to shine :D

Down came the rain - there I was walking. The plan was to just shake what my momma lent me. (I know I know the phrase is to shake what your mother gave you - But imagine pissin off your mother really bad........ I think she would have your ass on a silver platter by the time she is done with you...... moral - be nice to yo momma - even if she's a complete loon)

But after taking a few "Art" photos on the streets before my camera died. I just begun walking and talking out loud. Praying - singing - or just plane talking - I didn't know. My mind was all over. I had no clue what was coming out half the time. I walked around my neighborhood for about an hour just talking. I was dreaming to myself. Feeling adult at times - laughing about past things in other moments.

There's a song that has been circulating for decades I encourage everyone to look up. It's called "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin. Try to find a version of someone singing. It's a beautiful song. I really cling to it seeing how it really represents me as both a person and an actor. You can't bring your life on the stage. It can't work. An important lesson my Musical Theater teacher (Ann.M) taught me was to leave everything at the door. It was always really funny her speeches. She loves to rant. And that's why I like her soo much haha. She had some of the best speeches. One I titled "Fabulous" due to the fact that she marched up on stage with her usual angry face and just screamed out to the class "Look at me!!! I'm FABULOUS!" hahaha. Oh man - It had a point. haha. We were all looking slobbish and not really growing as responsible artists or human beings for that matter. I at the time was addicted to caffeine. The carbonated sort. So of course her knowing everything calls out to me. I stand and she yells "You're the Coke head! - Stop it!"

Of course written down you know I am referring to Coca-Cola. But when being shouted from someones mouth in front of a class....... sniff sniff... exactly that.. "sniff sniff" haha.

So today has been epic. A nice nap and a nice walk through the rain. Not to mention a shift at work where I was able to look at clothes and think - Wow - If I were dating someone - I would definitely buy those for her. Haha - I don't think it's a common thing to be attracted to clothes hahaha. I should refraize that............ should....

But everyone has their type of "mate". Whether it's a life mate - or one of the Prime family. But I always imagine my WOMAN (hah!) in clothes that I picture them wearing at Camp. The typical girl you would find in beach wear - polo's of the bright sort - you know - American Eagle type hahaha. It's awful - and that's in no way saying that I will only ever date someone of that kind...... In fact - I have never dated anyone like that. Sure I have only ever dated blonde's..... But - for those of us around the world who has dated from the blonde race realizes there are many forms of Blondes. You just have to find the one that works best for you :D. That sounds awful...... I should refraize that....................

Now I really want to leave you on a funnier tone. If you have followed this blog in any form then you would not have read anything of funny nature in a long while. Unless of course you know me - in which case you have never read anything funny. But As I think back to past stories to tell - MAN ........................ (That was me remembering a funny story. :) )

Tune in next time to learn the magnificent fabtabulous story of Mr.Honktory and his Miraculous Seven!

-pJ

------- as I was walking I though to myself... "Listen to my thoughts.. Listen for a voice - anything" ..... The word "Go" popped into my head. Take it as it comes to you. I did.

Go!