I'm Driving Down a Long Road

I'm driving down a long road. Not many cars. Not in comparison to the thoughts rushing through my head like any highway during rush hour at least. I am in a small country town inAlberta. My destination is Edmonton. Or at least, Edmonton International Airport. Am I flying out?

Heck no.

But they have something of mine. A piece of baggage.

Let me fill you in.

I have been hired as a Video Researcher & Summer Camp (news) Reporter for the companies of "Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship" and the Television Network "CrossRoads

Communication".

This project I am working on is nothing short but amazing.

I am to travel to all of the Pioneer Camps and Circle Square Ranch Camps across the co

untry of Canada, and compile stories on videos and written profiles of the people giving their lives to the work at these Camps. The work of the ministry that is the base of these camps. To the children that fill up these camps - and to God, who watches over these camps.

Much like any journalist, I spent the first few weeks of this position researching all of the camps and dealing out all of the travel and itinerary details.

This was no easy task.

Imagine (if you will :-D) An elderly man. Passionate. Wise. And the sweetest thing since Angel food cake -- describing to you an adventure he had had. Sounds amazing right? But what you

are missing - is his feeling. The feeling that words can not describe. The feeling of flying over a set of clouds that are quite literally in the shape of castles perched strongly over a set of mountains. Or a sunset. A sunset soo beautiful, that the colors of white yellow and blue accent the sky soo perfectly that the echo of peach is a perk soo unworthy to our eyes that we lose the horizon and fall slowly into bliss.

I only had one movie on my computer - Forrest Gump. I watched it every night. And he was

right.

I wasn't sure where the Earth stopped, and Heaven began.

I'm driving down a long road.Newfoundland can take the culture, but Alberta took the land. The hills of Ireland h

ave cousins and they reside in Alberta.

The locals are either Prairie folk, or Mountain. The ones who live and breathe the Prairies reside by the philosophy that the Mountains are in the way. And I'll tell you, that though a flat ground sounds boring - I guarantee you that you will not be looking at the ground. But rather to the skies. And I tell you again - there is as much sky as there is land - and the flatter it is - the more beauty in solitude you will find.

The sky will smile back at you - just watch.

And as for the Mountains.

As a singer? I was a mute. For at least a little while.

There isn't a diaphragm in the word that can stand up to the first second you see a Mountain.

I'm not one to cry - but you see something like that - and all your thoughts turn into a burst of joy so powerful that speech itself becomes not but an audible breath of "yes".

I don't fully believe it - but I felt it - "Moving is living".

For the first time in more years then my young age should have allowed - I was living.

I'm driving down a long road.

An airline lost my checked baggage on the first flight out. This didn't upset me too much as I had only thought it was my clothes. And as a self proclaimed hippy - this adventure had just christened the clothes I had on - my new favorite pairs.

Though after a couple of days of awaiting my bags I had realized - Important pieces for my equipment were in my bags...... And thus began my spontaneous drive down the country side.

I borrowed a car and headed North East to Edmonton from "Rocky Mountain House,

Alberta". This was a fairly easy task. Thanks to of course the uncontrollably nice hosts of mine for lending me a car and a GPS - as well as the lovely folks at Tim Hortons, reminding me that joy is but a dollar 80 away. (depending on your location!! more on that later!)

I am close to half way through my trips and thus making a quick stop off at Home in Toronto to enjoy a quick cuddle time with my cat - and a catch up on life and digest the world I just experienced!

Life moves pretty fast - and though I stopped to look around for a long while - I need to hold on to it - or I truly did miss it.

(Donke Shoen)

I stayed in Sundre, Rocky Mountain House, Edmonton and I flew into Calgary Alberta. From there I went to Vancouver British Columbia. Transfered over onto an island oddly named "Thetis Island". Though I missed out of the wonders of British Columbia on the ground - I lived it out from the skies.

Alberta on the other hand - I lived out quite largely. Both are sooo beautiful. All thought and dreams of a woman to hold and a cat to pat as I cradle a Guiness was LONG out of my mind ;).

What I had before me was God saying "Welcome".

Here is something about me. When I find solitude - when I truly feel the most amount of Gratitude - and the time I wish to be no where else ---- I burst.

I try my hardest to not make a sound, so much so that my face breaks and a smi

le resonates from me like an outbreak of laughter. Uncontrollable. Undeniable. These were gifts to me.

The moment I was accepted into a University.

Walking to class with my friends.

Having an Actors "Moment Before" leading into my first full Lead in a musical.

Boarding a plane on my own as a Man.

Boarding a plane on my own with a mission.

Boarding a plane on my own - but with God pushing my lower back as if to lead me in a soft shoe waltz into a life long experience that would change my mind, heart and soul forever.

I have been very fortunate to experience this Country as a whole.

And a bit of Canadian Culture from Toronto. People are from EVERYWHERE over here. So much so that when you meet someone, it isn't long before they announce that they are 1 quarter English, or Scotish, or Dutch, or Greek - or in my case - Irish/Scottish (thanks Gran'pa) -- But tonight as I rest my head on my own pillow - here in the smoldering heat of Toronto (how fitting) - I thank God I'm Canadian. And I thank Him for not only the sights that I have seen - but the people that I NEVER would have met.

Those people whom have entered into my life for those short few days and made a life long impression. The people are as beautiful as the Country.

This Summer is still going on - and so are the stories.

I am grateful for where I have been, where I am going, and the strength and God who is leading me.

Momentum is up. Can't stop me now.

-pJ

Eyes of Gratitude

While I lay here in bed - the clock has long past midnight - and the cheers to not only a new day - but the new year of my life has begun.

February the 22nd is by Birthday.

I am a proud baby of an early Birthday! - That's right Suckas! When we were in school - I was most certainly one of those kids who led the crowds because I played the "oldest card" ---

But now that I'm pretty and scared of damaging said face - I thank God I have lived this far.

Life is a blessing. And though I find myself sad an awful lot lately --- Today - I find myself looking at the world with the eyes of Gratitude.

-Mission 46- Twas the light before Gratitude

I woke up today at the home of some of my soul sistah's! Now I say that not in the meaning of the song "soul sista" where the lead singer of Train is most certainly singing about a lover --- I speak of the 3 most awesome Ladies that have befriended me through God's plan for me. Namaste to them! Our souls were most intended to meet - and through our friendship ..... I continue my story hahah.

It was the day before my birthday - and I woke up Sad as heck - I wont beat around any bush - not only am I not a gardner - but what drunken drummer plays a bush?? -- any way -- I woke up sad at the thought that I continue another day without a lady whom calls me their own - and relies on my "hello" to help them start the day with a smile - and I from theirs.

But (the most miraculously stunning word - wether blasting from ones mouth or from a pair of genes - "But" ;D) But I went to my favorite Coffee franchise and grabbed myself a joe before I hopped on my under ground subway train - bypassing the city and exiting closer to my home - knowing nothing of the world I had just shot passed like a 1985 Delorian.

But before I hopped on the subway - I began to smile at a near by Pub - whom reaches out to people in the morning by playing pleasant music by their entrance. Though I am not a middle aged single male looking to drown my sorrows - I smiled at this bar from its choice of the song "Sweet Child of Mine". It was stuck in my head all the way home --- but before I reached that comfort - that safety - that point where you settle in your contentment - I saw that gorgeous point! hahah - oh STOP IT!!! -- I live in Toronto - -and beyond the breach of a most architecturally gorgeous medieval church I saw the face of the CN Tower.

It's over done and seen more frequently then my shampoo bottle - but to me.... It represents soo much more. The color pink represents freedom. It means "Purity". The downtown Skyline looks like freedom to me. The CN Tower - it represent beauty - it represents passion - it represents individuality - It represents Me. And there it was - the perfect amount of it was peeking through the opening of this church tower - and as if the sun was guiding me to my destination and wishing me a blessed day of love - I stopped............................. And for the first time in a VERY long time...................... I looked at the world through Gratitude Eyes - and I saw the most Beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I opened up my heart - my mind - my sight - my soul - and I thanked God for this. This sight - this beauty - This moment where I was able to find peace and welcome in Gods Love where I didn't need the love another being on this world. I surrendered to him and I gave in to the moment that I needed to smile..........

You NEED to smile. Please don't make me say it again. I pray - I wish - I dream - I LONG for a smile on you face!

Please don't read this and go on tomorrow thinking that you are nothing more then what you see of yourself! You are much more. And you are beautiful -- and though I haven't felt that in a long time - So Am I! Have a great tomorrow!

Believe in yourself........... Believe in Me!--------- I'm Yours

-pJ

Nice to meet you.

I'm not talking about my blanket atop of my messy unmade bed.... And I do mean messy - who else in this world sleeps each night beside his cat, his laptop and his ukulele.... Not to mention his really old blackberry under his pillow.

Allow this though to be my life's metaphor right now.

I do believe in many things.

First and foremost - there is a God.

Someday - perhaps - the Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup.... maybe.

You can't judge a book by its cover.... Really can't. Tease me as you wish - but "My Booky Wook 2" written as a sequel documenting the life of Russell Brand up to now- is a genius, brilliantly written, and most honest piece of work I have indulged in - in a long time. He speaks - the content is a perk. The brilliance, beauty and honesty that is in each page is a warm welcome into what he believes and what he loves. To speak with absolutely no irony is a thing I myself find hard to do.- This of course is excluding his silly joking.

I also believe that we all could help change the world if we begin to PRACTICE Gratitude. Not just say out please and thank you's. Thats the beginning. -- I learned this from Jason Mraz. Sure - you look at him - see him as just another singer. And I once shared a conversation with someone where she stated that he was disgusting and that he couldn't possibly have messages of goodness. This ignorance made me sad... But I do believe we all will become what he writes about. And I'm not just talkin of the love makin :D - that's the perk people.

And lastly. I believe that as the world spins - this progression is never ending. When it does - we'll all be dead! - but as the world continues to progress, so should we.

There is no life in pauses. Pain is easy to find.

As an actor - and as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ - I think the worst thing in the world is to be type-casted. Sometimes - for an unpaid - struggling actor, type casting could help pay the bills. But after that first initial step, you don't go anywhere.

Faith is growth. Satisfaction is poor choice to stop in both acting and faith.

You've got to move deeper. Deeper in faith, deeper into a character, and deeper into yourself.

I enjoy serving my time to volunteering. But alas, after years of doing so. I've lost that sense of giving. I can't feel like I'm expressing gratitude in it any more. I do still have a passion to serve like this. But at this point - I have given all I can in this role. In this way. As this person. The progression has stopped. The growth is paused.

I'm search for my progression. I'm not looking for a different role in life to play - or a character in a show to play..... What I'm looking for is to escape this type cast I have fallen into.

I have done soo many things with my life so far that I can feel grateful for. But people only see the small things that they witness. And after a while - as I struggle to break free - I am caught. Trapped. For far too long I have been seen as the silly PJ who acts in Musicals. I love acting in musicals - and the worst of puns makes me laugh. (ironically enough - though the bulk of my friends know me like this - I do have a select group of people I hang out with that would never see me like that. They have never even heard me sing.) ..... But it has come to the point where I fail to achieve work outside the Theatre world - due to this being all I have done with myself in the eyes of most people. I don't see this as a sign that I have to stay in theatre. I'd feel to sad about that to keep my passion going.

I sing. I dance. I write. I play musical instruments. I am a fair trampolinist. I edit films. I take pictures. I play sports. I have led teams. I have taught. I have directed and coordinated at Film Camps. I have gone on Service trips. I have handed out sandwiches and spare change late Christmas Eve's to people living on the street. I cut/dye/style my own hair. I can do impressions. I can put together an Ikea item like nobodies business! I have painted more walls then I can remember. I enjoy helping people move. I love driving friends long distances. I have helped with conferences. I never turn off my phone, and I'll answer it at any hour. I travel. I build things. I sketch things. I pray. I worship. I love.... And I hurt.

These are the things that I can look at my life and..... well...... Remember!

I have learned through schooling to be grateful and know any place any part in a show, is a good part.... But when it comes to all the friends I am grateful to have... There are few who know me. I am quite the surprise to most. And part of it being my fault - but I hurt, I hurt when I am that type casted friend. I even surprise my best of friends.

It has taken me longer then I have hoped to publish another blog. I have written 2 and a bit since last I posted. But those are for me. Those are for the moments where I feel more broken then I can express to anyone but God.

There is a song I remember from my days of Church dwelling - they went:

"I want to know you, I want to see your face. I want to know you more"

Who knows you? Who REALLY knows you? God :) - yeah that was the easy answer. But who else? Who truly knows you? Knows how you think? Knows how you feel? Knows how you cry, laugh, and dream?

IF you have that person - never lose them. IF you don't, - find that person who doesn't type cast you in this world. Find that person who unapologetically can finish your sentences.

Who knows me?

Well............... I'm pJ........ Patrick James.

It's nice to meet you.

"J"

One Year ago - I was asked to leave a school I fell madly in love with - and it most certainly became my bliss while I was there. The reasons to my leaving are another story -- but within that story comes another ...... Happy New Year first of all. I hope you lived Gratefully this past month. I sure did :)

Last January. I went back to my school one afternoon for a meeting. This meeting was with a higher up within the office. I was still dealing with leaving School and wanted to see if it was the right thing to do or not - so I went for a meeting -- and When I arrived, I was greeted - and then asked a specific question. (A question to which I am curious if you have asked)

"Why do you spell your name with a lower case "p", and an uppercase "J"?

She began to say she noticed it in an email of mine and assumed it was a typo until she recieved a followup email of mine with the same signature.

I never knew why. But - I am a thinker - and looking at my life - and my insecurities - and obsessive behaviors and habits - I came up with this.

All things Good in my life, have come in "J's". They hold me up. They keep me strong.

There will be a moment in my life when I fall. When I reach for help - silently - but most definitely searching. And a "J" grips my hand, and lifts me up. Up to safety.

As I read a blog tonight - the writer ended with quickly writing (in 90 seconds) what he was thankful for over the last 10 years. What sprouted in his thoughts initially.

Though I wont do that just yet - I will however - in 90 seconds, respond to you with the "J's"

that have held me up - which have held Patrick up.

Jesus - No other thought is stronger. I am a man of Faith. I don't consider myself anything - denomination or religion, but pJ - a best friend of Jesus, my God.

Jordan - 21 and a half years of friendship. To quote Elton John - "I can't really Explain it. I haven't got the words." But he's been there.

Jason Mraz - People often tease me at the many occasion I quote/sing/mention Jason Mraz - but at a time where I was beginning something new - where I was searching for something new - he was introduced to me. Through my long drive sing-a-longs - I have found my singing voice through him - and my voice of Gratitude. --- People often tell me I am blinded when it comes to his music. But while people get scared off by his sexual lust for life - they miss out on his love for the human race and his compassion for the human race and his efforts of Gratitude to everyone and anyone. - Let's not judge a book by it's cover shall we?

I also find myself being easily attracted to acoustic rock and Jazz music -- and while I drift into bliss of music - I'd like to graciously make note of -- Jack Johnson -- John Mayer -- Jamie Cullum -- John Foreman -- Joshua Radin -- The musical "Jersey Boys" -- and most importantly --- John Lennon.

I was blessed this Holiday season with being able to travel into the City of New York - and say Hello to John at both his Memorial and his old home.

I am grateful for "J" -- it has done me well as a name - and as a friend. What are you Grateful for this year?

Cheers to a Very Merry New Year! -- I pray you are blessed - Like I have been. Thanks for the read ;)

-pJ

It comes from Sondheim

Somethings coming...

From an amazingly difficult - but powerfully energetic and inspiring song from West Side Story - to the hope that fills me up to this day.

The night is darkest before the dawn. And quite frankly - this year has been quite awful. And tonight as I lay in bed - on of the last of the year (explanation coming) - I ponder my year as the events brought me to this moment. This moment where I sit - sipping rum and watching the Muppets Christmas Carol for about the 14th time in about 2 months..... I was challenged by a dear friend of mine to watch it 20 times before I go away...... I wont...... But ........ I might :)

But I have stumbled upon the year behind me.... And yes.... As I sit her - with the smile on my face - and the sadness in my eyes..... And the battle wounds on my heart (literally). I think... "That was the worst year of my life."

It's a sad statement. Especially since things have happened soo blissfully that I have gone through such amazing moments of joy. Like when I was welcomed into a wonderful cast of people - in a show that I was asked to play lead in. "Crazy For You" - A Gershwin musical that was sooo fun. And from there I was able to room with one of my closest friends for the entirety of the spring, as we helped serve a Camp whose sole mission is to bring joy to children from any life, background, or circumstance. And show them the joy and love, of people, of the world, and of God.

And yet - as I lay here now - though smiling at the times I was blessed with...... It is the times of pain that overtook my year.

It began with my best friend leaving for the year. Sure no biggy. We talked a lot - and due to him being in a separate city most of the year - it sometimes felt the same...... But where it felt different...... Where that door opened to....... It all started with an amazing role model passing from this life - to the next. In a media frenzy, I couldn't find the time to understand it all - especially with school on my hands. Though it still affects me sometimes when I take public transit - I know Gods hugging him - as he's high fiving me while I walk on the subway.

And then I was asked to leave a program to which I fell madly in love with.

I would walk into the halls as giddy as a 10 year old girl at a Justin Beiber concert - not realizing he's probably just some lesbian pretending to be a little boy from Stratford Ontario.

But - I'm not the greatest at Musical Theory - and this program is the best - it is the best because not only do they accept the best - train the best - and support the best - but they keep on the best. And with one failing mark - you walk..... And I do mean walk... Though the program you would think I would pirouette out of the building. This is no happy occasion... I was lost..... And to my worst enemy (ahemthesnuggie) do I wish this never to happen to... Being torn away from the life you love.

Not only was I asked to leave the school - I was sad to part from my new friends - most of whom I would lose contact with - and I would become nothing more then a brief memory of bandana's and bare feet to.

3 months would pass - and I would have an attack. So intense that my heart was physically bouncing up and down from my chess. You could see my body pulsating in ways even Elvis would think were too provocative. It was a bad night- filled with an emergency room visit where a nurse would giggle at me thinking I had to take off my pants - (they were looong taken off at this point) -- and a ton of blood work.

After a brilliant Spring came a summer I was depressed about being depressed. It seemed as though every night I was sad. And every night I wished for a place to call home. I was living in a place I never wanted to leave. But I found myself not wanting to be there at night - and being completely distraught about that feeling, because of how much I loved what I was doing and where I was. It was confusing, and depressing....... And from there came my heart surgery.

It took the cake..... It made the cake...... It is a story I will never shake.....

I assure you that due to my nature - none of these sad stories go without a ridiculously silly accompaniment. I just get into the funniest situations. And from having nurses giggling and asking me why I took off my pants - to a male nurse asking how my day was (immediately after getting heart surgery and while he is washing my gentiles...)

But this year is now over... I end it by leaving the country - to the Caribbean - and visiting New York to welcome in a breathe of fresh air.

And now as I take my rest at 3:15 in the morning - I continue to smile - because I know -- There is something coming for me. There is something good on its way - and I wont be afraid to go searching for it. With a year like this - there is nothing but the walk forward. There is nothing but picking yourself up and moving on to something that is bound to hit your way. But I think it's better to move towards it as it comes to you. Gets here faster ;)

This will be my last post of the year. And though over the last 2 months I have been rather stingy on the postings - I still thank you for reading on and caring about myself and these words.

Keep walking. Please. Trust me - I know how life can get shitty. I REALLY know! I did this whole year without a lovely little number to hold me tight at night - trust me I know. And I know something good is coming. Any day now. I can feel it.

There's something due, any day. I will know, right away. Soon as it shows.

Who knows.......

Somethings Coming.

Happy Christmas. And a Very Merry New Year to You! Cheers. Be happy - be well - and Practice Gratitude!

I'll see yah in the 2011

-pJ

Something on my mind/heart

I wish to never have a Twitter account -- though - if I must - I must -- and by must I mean -- put my thoughts and life into as little words as possible -- I write --

"I'M HEALED"

Though - I write this not knowing if anyone out there follows these little blerbs of my life - I do wish to express Gratitude for you all whom thought kind thoughts of hope towards me and my recent cardiac endeavors.

But - good news -- as of November 30th - I've been declared - diagnosed - proclaimed -- HEALED.

My heart is back to full working order - and I am back to my full antics once again.

For the entire Holiday season, I am heading South to the Caribbean. And due to me sitting on my bottom for the past 4 months while all this has been going on - I have gained my fair share - and no longer have that tighter physique I was sporting throughout the summer -- SO -- thanks to a diet of - P90X every morning and every time I indulge in a serious act of junk food - I am hoping to be comfortable with myself - once again... And on that note -- It's Ab Cruncher time ;)

Salut my fair Skat followers!

A Letter to Friends.

It has indeed been a while since I last wrote on this blog.  And though I do not intend to allow my fingers to speak for me as I instantly think and blart out the inner thoughts of my mind - I leave you with a more "twitter" response of a blog message, and the message I wrote to a few friends regarding my time last week.

Me.  Myself.  pJ - am feeling saddened by my own torment.  Depressed by my inner torment - and inspired by my forcefulness of "continue".

Here now is the message of my time last week.  Please excuse the missing information (i.e. the fact this is a story about my recent Heart Surgery) And of course - forgive me for the simple comedic run on theme to chipper you up as you imagine my heart surgery -- my penis.....  Continue at own risk :) 

Surgery ended with our perfect goal achieved. 

It was uber complicated though.. And you know me - so there's a bit of a silly story to be had from my past 2 days.... 

So to begin with -- 
I got there - they put me in the hospital gown - and this very saucy african princess of a nurse came in and told me....... She had to shave me............
:) that's right folks.

The way the surgery goes is that they need to have wires sticking through tubes in me - connecting to the heart - from my chest - and one in the lower groin region ;) - that would help give my heart the appropriate "ablation" which means - they set fire to the part of my heart they wanted to burn away.....

SO - I was shaved.... She was number 1 to see my goods...

After a bit - I was taken to the operating room and was stripped down to my shoe modeling outfit and was left laying on my back in a very uncomfortable way... 
3 people would now be looking at "The Great and Powerful Oz" --- but at this point, I just didn't care. 

They had to lay a covering over me that would have little square holes in them for the doctor to operate through... So one lucky nurse was put on "Hold Back" duty...... :)

Then the surgery commenced (this part gets serious... though I was still smiling for a while as I was figuring out if it was how small her hands were that made.....ahem.... never mind.....)

So the surgery was supposed to last an hour and a half. Mine had some complications.
Mine lasted a grand total of just over 4 and a half hours. This included them finding the source of the problem which was directly in the middle of my heart - and the fact that due to me not being sedated or put to sleep - the freezing began to wear off and the pain became too much to handle - which resulted in me throwing up. It was brutal.
Though - they took their time and did the job perfectly. My doctor - whose name is Dr. Mackenjee - pronounced (MACKIN-G!!! - NO LIE!!!!) - he was pretty pumped in his celebration at the end. He did good work.

2 new nurses came in to bandage me up -- making the total of peepers 6 - and 1 of them being added to the "held my penis" category. 
I was brought back to my room and left there for a bit. While taking a nap, a nurse came in to inspect for bleeding (7 for peeps & 3 for held) then of course one came in to wash all the dried blood off my skin...... This person takes the cake for having gone to town with my goods people..... Though it made me really uncomfortable having this person clean me up down there... It was nice of them to due with all the blood -- but I'd rather a FEMALE nurse do it instead..... sighh... He was gentle though............blaahshjkr.

After this all went down - and I'm referring of course not the happenings of my day - but the erection that would never come back after this man violated me -- I was taken upstairs to the room I had to stay in for the night.

throughout the night I had constant nurse visits (all different female nurses) to inspect for bleeding and take my blood rate.. By the time I left, 11 people had peeped and 4 people had a story to tell that night for dinner.

There was more to my night (including a scary black woman who slept in the bed beside me) -- but all in all I'm alright. I have to take it easy for a while. But all will be great soon. 
Thanks for being soo great.

And thank you all for continuing to read this ridiculous dribble - I will write again.  Sometime.  Soon..... Perhaps... :) 

-pJ