Heartfelt Moments

It's been a long time coming.  

All this blogging has taken a back seat to a few things in my life that I have placed a 1st place standing in my mind due to my lack of employment. 

Though - it always come down to a life changing experience - to put - life - back in tact......right?........... Right?!

Here's my story:

-Mission 41- The Heart of Life

The night - going along like any other.... Me, sitting, and watching "Scrubs" on the internet.  I indulged in a few Youtube clips that would satisfy my need of entertainment as MegaVideo decided to ever soo nicely cut out my video with ten minutes to go due to me watching too many minutes worth of free television that night.

Sooo Youtube seemed to be the most appropriate fit.

I had but only begun when my heart began to race....  I thought to myself how ridiculous this seemed due to me only laughing slightly at the blooper reel from the television show "Extra's" I was watching.  But the heart kept going. 

Racing heart was no longer the problem.  IT began to beat harder and harder giving me a strange feeling that I can only best describe as your "foot falling a sleep.... but in your chest".  The pain was no longer an issue due to it subsiding into an uncomfortable fuzzy feeling and my chest now pulsating up and down with every beat. 

The pounding was hitting enough nerves that my stomach began to tense with every beat....  Scared now - I attempted to get up from my bed............  It didn't work.

I managed to roll off my bed where I immediately found out that my entire left side had become numb.  I fell to the ground hoping to find some clothes and get myself downstairs to my mother where I could initially gain enough shock to get rushed to the hospital.  

Staring at me long enough as the pain abruptly stopped and my breathe now coming back.

I was against the drama of an ambulance so I had my mother rush me quickly to the hospital.

They took me immediately upon arrival.  After explaining what had happened they strapped me up to have en EKG scan of my heart.  Things seemed fine there - it was as if I had come from a quick jog.  - But of course I hadn't - so this was still a bit frightening but alas my heart rate was slowing down more and more. 

The nurses took me to my own room and asked for me to put on the hospital gown they had left out for me and said they would be back in a few moments.  I put on the gown and awaited the nurse to get back and either tell me what was happening - do some tests - lead in a doctor - or tell me to go home......  She sort of .... well........

SO she walks in.........  Takes a long look at me and says ..... "ummm....errr... ahh ahem.. Mr.Boyd.... ummm......  You didn't have to ahhh............ You didn't have to take off your pants."

"hmm.... Boy I look foolish."

"Oh don't worry - I'll just take some blood!  Do you have any fear of blood?"

"Nope...  I do however have a fear of pain - though I'm rather comfortable here embarrassed without my pants."

...................... a few moments later.......

"Alright, I'm done here.  The doctor will be with you in just a moment."

"okay!  I'll just..ummm.  Stay here....and uhh.... ahem put on my pants....cough"

The doctor came in a little while longer and began to ask me a few questions to establish my history of health and to find out if I had been taking any sort of med's at all.  Her sense of small talk wasn't as great as the nurses.  

"So I see you're 21"

"yep"

"What do you do?"

"Well I was studying Musical Theatre for a while there but now I am just taking it full time..  I went to......"

"Hold on a second"

She began to listen to my heart beat in several different places...........  Then she left....

"Sheridan... ahem....... I went to Sheridan..........."

Took a while before she came back.  My mother was now in the room waiting with me.  

The Doctor came back and said they were waiting a few minutes as they were still deliberating whether or not to do a chest x-ray.  So as we waited my mother explained to the Resident Doctor that her father (as well as all her brothers) all had heart diseases and died from heart attacks before the age of 50......

FANTASTIC mom.... That's just super!  Me here now sitting on a hospital bed as Doctors are monitoring my heart.... Thats just.... fantastic......  Only if you had said this prior to me putting on my pants I wouldn't be soo worried about soiling myself...... sighh.

Alas, they let me leave with the information of taking it easy and not do anything like indulge in such heavenly wonders such as the sweet sweet taste of a Tim Hortons Coffee....... sighh... 

My tests seemed to end with everything looking fine.  Though I am still awaiting my blood test results and a call from some sort of Doctor to tell me what the heck is wrong with me.

I am.... at the moment - hanging out writing music and awaiting for a fun filled weekend where I have been hired to be..... TO BE -- we're talkin verbs here people...... Now to toss in my noun ......  ELVIS PRESLEY 

Thanks for coming back to read a little Skat of another nature.....  Thank you...ahem.. Thank'ya Verrry Much ;) 

-pJ

ONE DAY WITHOUT SHOES

FOR THE CAUSE ---- 

Millions of people live their lives without something as simple as SHOES --- TODAY - walk in bare feet for the day we spread awareness of such an overlooked cause that can be SOO EASILY remedied !

GO barefoot - spread the word -- make a difference.

I am Perfectly Imperfect.

-you don't need to hurry love

-Mission 40- Practice Euphoria 

So today in my usual p.J way - I took to the road in my usual fashion.  Zipping amongst travelers as if they were nothing more then the air blowing through the shag I consider a hair dew.

Arrived alive, and way ahead of time.  In a means not to waste my time I decided to go and refill my spirits with another hot cup of java..............  Well that wasn't happening.  I sat in my car in an already packed parking lot of one of the most giving places towards my rejuvenation (tim hortons)  and decided to skip on this caffeinated experience and open my mind heart and soul - and most importantly my windows - and just journey up the road in and toward a direction I had no idea of what was a head.   I felt an openness and a freedom that filled me with a sense of "YES".  This felt right.  This was right.  My heart was beating as this perfectly sunny day spot lighted my way down the road.

It's summer in my mind and heart - regardless of the temperature blowing though the windows and all together freezing my feet through my open toed flip flops.  But I didn't care.  I had the music that felt right in that moment blasting in and out of my car - and there was no one around to point me in any direction.  It was all me.......  I had a feeling of power that I had never actually felt before.  I was flying away with no sense of up or down or a means to know what was ordinary.  I was away from my thoughts and just - ever so simply - driving.

It was bizarre.  But I was able to open my mind and just be blank and lose all thought or care as I drove down a street I had never been down before.  Seeing things for the first time.  Smiling at life as it shined it's worries away with a summer sun on a frosty day.

Time was coming to an end - for as early as I tend to be - life finds its way back to reality....  But the best part about driving away - is the drive back.....  Things don't end because you find yourself facing life's obligations.  In fact - the best things seem to spring themselves up as you begin the steps backs......  My cup of java.

This particular coffee shop had a gelato portion added to it - so as I stood in line I took one last breath of my 30 minute vacation and watched families stopping with their children for a sunday afternoon ice cream to sweeten an already perfect day.

I will one day just pack up and begin driving in a direction with no intended location in mind.  But as sensibility goes - I will need to find first the means to accomplish this successfully.  But some day I will.  I know that now and I especially knew that driving.  So as a word of the wise --- Go find yourself a Neverland under that horizon.  I know I will.

- Those who live passionately teach us how to love.  Those who love passionately teach us how to live.                   -Yogananda-

-pJ

Just Smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLZMCKWweJA

Selling Myself Short

There are things in this world that will bring us down.  They will bring us  turmoil and hurt.  Confusing pain that makes us think that this is somehow a dramatic real life creation of a soup opera - it will cause us to be forever bamboozled with life and it's deeds.

One day :  Such an ordinary day --- You find yourself walking through the streets of your chosen city doing some errands and all together just frolicking amongst the world.......  You arrive at a grocery store -- and as you are looking through the produce section trying DESPERATELY to convince yourself that you are a healthy person and that maybe someone will see you eat some fruit and comment at how amazing you look --- you see someone.  They (to you) are absolutely nobody.  But there is something about them.....  It could be the hair, the distinct features of their face, or perhaps even the sweater they are wearing...... This one person (unintentionally) has now brought you back to that time in your life where you weren't soo free going.  Where you were not as happy-go-lucky as everyone defines you as.

what do you do?

It's the hardest math question you will ever try to figure out.  It's the question that even Einstein goes "Where the hell do I begin this equation?"

So......  Where do you start?!  WHERE does your mind go?  Do you fall into an immediate depression and lifelong doubt?  Or do you continue on with your day?

What gets you there?  Where is your E=MC2??

What is the equation to your answer?

There are a lot of people in this world - some of which philosophize that we CHOOSE to be depressed.  Sure there are moments where we will become sad.  Where we find loss, feel it, watch it.  But full on depression is a word that STRONGLY amounts to a person and how they can NOT carry on in this day to day living the world is running on......  Words like Love and Depression are over run and over used.....  People will tell each other they Love each other but later on that day discuss how so and so told you that person you "love" did something you don't like and then all of a sudden you no longer love them.......  Some/a lot of people talk about being depressed because they didn't have enough change in the morning to buy their extra large double double coffee - yet then we find people living on the streets who sit with their heads down as the snow covers them and their sadness as they give up and no longer open their palm to receive even a nickel from people who don't even care if they spend their money on booze or not - but just as long as they find some sort of joy or peace in any single second of the day.

How do we bring ourselves back?

-Mission 39 - 69th blog

I found myself writing blogs shortly after I read one being published my Jason Mraz.

Anyone who knows me well - or even follows my blogs - know that I am a big fan of Jason Mraz.  Though I do not glorify him and follow him as if he is the end all and be all - I do find peace in his music and his blogs.

He speaks about gratitude and love.  Things that are important to him like surfing and water consumption in the world.  A Green Earth, about saving all the children of the world and creating peace and harmony and equal rights amongst EVERYONE in this world - black/white/gay/straight/rich/poor....  EVERYONE.

I was talking to a friend tonight - her name is Colleen - I met her through my partner in crime.   We had a moment where we talked about the "WHY".  And the "WHAT" - And the "MRAZ" haha.

Why do I find myself walking towards meetings in my life - towards moments I don't want to be in - towards times when I know someone is going to be leaving me (even for a short while) - and I hum - or tune in to a Jason Mraz song......  Is this an obsession?  Is this some sort of gross fetish?  GOSH NO.  It is some sort of PEACE....  Thats what it is. 

It is a few minutes in my life that I find happiness - love - joy-gratefulness.  Its in a lyric or in the inspiration of knowing I am being encouraged to be me and to love, and to create joy.  That is "SKATS OF ANOTHER NATURE".....  I almost forgot that for a while there.....  Sure I began this blog to be silly and to cause a few laughs... But that's just it....  Laughs - smiles - joy.....  I began this to spread joy amongst even a few people.  Even if it is in just the 3 friends I inform to every time I finish an entry ----  If I know I have added a smile to their day - I know the hours I spend on this computer are worth it.  

I don't expect or believe I will get more then 8 followers on my blog - but since I HAVE 8 people who receive a message every time I make an entry - it is my spiritual/human/writers obligation to bring that smile or thought to them.....  They have committed to me - and I them.

I find joy in the musical stylings of Jason Mraz -- I find inspiration and joy in the words written and sung by another......  How about you?

Where do you find it?!!  I encourage you to find it.  PLEASE!  -- When you lose it - You can STILL find it.  Trust me.  We all have done it.  Even if you can't explain it - find that moment in your life and just hold on to it.  Try to find it every day of your life.  YOU DESERVE IT!  Why would you find joy in a moment and then toss it away?!  It's like throwing away friendship or in some peoples cases money....  Those moments bring smiles and joy --- Your smile makes someone else smile....  Why can't we have a "National Smile" day?  We have all these days in the world where we recognize things and give recognition - but we then find ourselves sitting down and finding a reason to turn on the Coldplay and sulk into those times where we think we have felt the most emotion.

I only really listen to soft acoustic style music.  I know slow depressive tunes as much as the next person - but as long as you CHOOSE LOVE and JOY - you will be alright.

I want everyone to find a moment everyday where they can express love.  Sincerity is the greatest weapon we have --- don't fake love - don't pretend to feel.  You won't move forward - you won't find what it is you are looking for.......

I have found moments when I have been caught into a depression.  ESPECIALLY when it's like you have been forced into it...  I know I have found myself even now struggling with life and depression and trying to deal with the turning of the globe as I wake up day to day trying to think of a reason to get out of bed.....  But I do.  And though I find myself getting back into that bed in a less then satisfactory way -- I do.  I do because I know when that sun gives me that good morning kiss to wake me up - I will be able to get up and experience love... Because that's what I search for.  Not even so much in the romantic sense....  But I find gratitude and peace in sitting in a guest bedroom of my parents house watching a DVD of Jason Mraz singing a song that tells us all that "you got soul" - even if he is implying that you turn him on hahaha.

All I'm saying is ............  I don't even know anymore...  It isn't for me.  It's for you.....  I'm not speaking a specific message and I'm not trying to give off a moral we should all live by.....  All I'm trying to say is that there are people out there who love you - and you should love in the new year....

These blogs don't give one thought.  We all have our own - whether it is "wow, I should do that!"  or "Oh my god, what a loser!  Who writes like this?!!" 

I don't care.

Don't enter this New Year alone.... Please...  Hug someone and embrace them tightly as you hit midnight and remind yourself that without you this world does NOT spin the same way...  Without you - peoples lives will no longer be the same....  

And so for my New Years -- I am entering it ....... With you.

Happy New Years

-pJ

Lets leave this world looking better then how we found it.

On This Very Christmas Night

And so it begins.

Yet another Christmas eve I claim to my own.  In spirit of not only the holiday season but more in  a certain Broadway hit to which is gracing the streets of Toronto - I wish to raise my arms and in a NON christmas celebratory gesture - raise my arms and shout TRADITION!!

In previous years I make my night by a drink and a candle lit room as Christmas specials brighten my night as I darken it with deep thoughts and philosophical in put in what I have learned this past year.  And this past one has been an adventure and a half.  One where when I think back - I dream of living back in those moments where I just looked at the sky and said - "this is me.  this is my life.... way to go PJ!  You've done it!"

I had great moments this year.

For starters I started off this year being a musical production of Guys and Dolls playing opposite my best friend.  It was like going on stage each night and being myself and being applauded for it.

Around that time I went with 3 of my most amazing friends to New York City.  I wont forget that trip.  It was amazing.  And if I ever make my way back - in any form - I will remember those kodak moments.

....................................

Before I go any further....  I am stopping this New Years flashback to a year which I can think of beautiful moments filled with joy - happiness given by others, and even pain -----  I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of dreaming over the last year.  And as I find myself on the same couch I have found myself on the eve of Christmas Day celebrating Christ's Birthday in my style of drinking myself silly while watching "White Christmas" and writing what ever comes to my mind - I have discovered something.......  It's now December 26th.....  Christmas Day has come and gone and I wasn't able to finish my train of thought.

HERE'S WHY

I found myself - for the first time in a long time - COMPLETELY lost......  Though I have had moments in my life and in the past year where I have looked at myself and questioned where is my place in this world - what am I doing?  Why do I feel in such ways ---- I have discovered something about myself.

Like the Grinch I have learned over the last few years not to care what comes out of packages, boxes or bags.  It has been in my friendships where I have found great joy.  So over the last little while I have been able to go out to celebrations where giving is involved and just being able to find joy in the idea that someone is finding just as much joy watching me hold the thing that they bought to put a smile on my face.......

Though a very important thing to learn and feel when in a Christmas mood - I have wanted something......  This Christmas I have wanted something for the first time in a long time.

As I found myself sitting in the candle lit room as Bing Crosby in White Christmas filled the air ultimately having me miss a phone call from my Brother who has been un able to call home in Two months due to being on the Ocean with a failed satellite on his ship --- I have found the Christmas gift that I really wanted was......  A lady to share my moment with.

I wouldn't call myself a lonely guy, I am though of as a happy-go-lucky guy amongst my friends and though I don't have any woman in mind - I found myself really truly wanting someone to snuggle up to on this holiday and just sort of squeeze me all the harder as a way to say "Happy Christmas".  

I understand I have passed up opportunities this year to have a chance to be with some amazing people in a romantic way - it wasn't meant to be.  Who knows - I may find my way back into the life of one of my past heart throbs - but whom ever it is - I know the first thing I will do is embrace them all the tighter to show them how much they mean to me.  Every day.  That's Christmas...  Every day do I feel we should take the person that we hold closest to our hearts and just squeeze em something fierce. 

To those of you who are apart of the lucky world of love - I tell you this - hold them - and love them, any, and EVERY chance you get.  

Even when they are being complete ARSES!  You'll find that life is still worth while - when they are in your arms.

----------------------------

I have left my place of study.  I am taking on this world head first and trying to get into a business of acting/singing/ entertaining by a means of just simply making someone smile - and perhaps even shakin their hips side to side with a funky tune.   If I don't find success - I hope I find joy and love.  If when I find myself performing perhaps one of my songs on a bar stage somewhere in a dodgy stage in the greater Toronto area - and I find the eyes of another connect to mine --- I hope for strength...  Life's too short to pass up excitement and adventure.

Hold those close to you.

(I'd be holding my cat right now if he were not licking himself AS WE SPEAK)

But hold those - and love those around you.

The greatest gift you can give this holiday season - is love.

-pJ

(as a special shout out - the greatest part of my Christmas this year is to watch my friends Liane and Ken give themselves to each other through Marriage.  Congratulations to them!  I have been SOOOO excited for them for a long time!) 

Brotherhood of Man.... one love.

To begin this next Skat - I'd really just like to take it as a hat tip - a high five - or in their case some times - a salute - to Americans of the United States.

Like butter - you find them in every country.  Sure some may not be as dignified as others.  And some you may just want to order them to sit in the corner within the circular gym you are standing in.

Though I am proud of being Canadian and wouldn't imagine my life any differently.  I do admire how much in love with their country they are.  At least every other house on every other street has a ton of American national flags on their houses - or up a personalized flag pole.  It's admiring to see how (though unnecessary in my eyes) they will continue to fight without end in view of their war against........ something.....  I'm sure I'll read "America vs Iraq for dummies" sometime in my life.  But for now - I'll sit blissfully twiddling my thumbs still bummed out about the lost of our King of Pop.

So right on - and keep it going.  I only wish us Canadians - though known as the country of peace - could find identity and love in our own country while we bring in others and call them family.

-Mission 38- Night of Flames.

I have been one of the luckiest people in the world to be able to study at Sheridan (soon to be University) for musical theater performance...  Though I have been blindsided with the amount of work I have had to do - I couldn't have it any other way.

There is usually nothing I miss about my old life.   But thinking back to the summer - I have been feeling that drain - the lack of CITY in my life :D.  

If love was interpreted by electric fixtures - when it comes to Toronto.... I'm a big fan :)

And I LOVE Toronto - and Canada.  So to 

have to move just a few driving moments outside of Toronto - I have been very sad not to see the glowing lights of the CN Tower light up from a smoggy distance.  Still soo close - but yet - just far enough.

The last couple of nights I have had the amazing chance to go watch some friends from my program perform in one of Toronto's most well known gay bars.  Buddies in Bad Times.

I don't have a television - and rarely find myself looking at news stories on the internet - and NEVER find myself walking somewhere to find a newspaper - so let's just say I'm in a closed box taped together with stickers of the Phantom of the Opera.

So as I frolicked amongst the streets of Toronto last night before retreating to the pub - I noticed quite the commotion.  People were lining up all over Young Street in the downtown area.  Here I had no clue what was going on so I simply sat with some friends - ordered some fries and enjoyed a quick meal.

THE OLYMPIC FLAME?!!??!?!

In a flash I was outside on the street freezing my butt off and awaiting the lucky runner of the torch.  This was completely a THRILL to me!  Who knows if I'll ever get to see it again?!  Rather ironic to seeing how I kept trying to sneak a smile across to someone I seem to be feeling quite a flame for and the fact that my friends were performing in a gay pub tonight... Brilliant!

I was standing with my good friend James waiting anxiously until we saw the crowed getting bigger and bigger just down the street.  In the excitement of it all we wanted to be a part of this crowd.  This is a celebration right?!

guess not....

Protestors.......

Now - the point they had was this:  Eliminate the Olympics - take the money from there and put it into creating new jobs.

Good on them for trying to get the government to push harder to help find and create more jobs for this overpopulated world..... BUT!

disgusting how they have to interrupt something as beautiful as the running of the Olympic Flame.

THE OLYMPICS folks -- are NOT just about the games.  C'mon now!  Sure we send out best thought of athletes to compete in a world wide competition to bring home the championship gold medal.  But the OLYMPICS are much MUCH more.  

How dare people.  It sickens me.

The Olympics stand for PEACE.

CAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT?!

Peace and love is something we all are longing for in some capacity.  What a selfish protest to ask for the olympics to be shut down to create a job for them.

YES it is important for people to be working.  But there are other solutions.  One being pick your ass up off the ground and listen to what mamma s

aid when you were a teenager and just get ANY job you possibly can to pay the rent and get you by.  SURE you may not be happy with the job - but you will be in less of a rutt then you are in now.

Understand that jobs come and go - and it is us that have to pick ourselves up - find a suitable replacement and get your ass some money.  The economy is in a rutt - yes - but it is events such as the Olympics that offer thousands among THOUSANDS of people jobs over the next few months of competitions.  THATS SUCH A START!  C'mon.  Fight FOR jobs - not for eliminating something as proud driven and historically loved like the Olympics!

Im going insane with this topic.  I just can't handle how heart broken I am at the attitude and the disrespect for ones country someone can have then to cause what inevitably is blasphemy against ones heritage to ask for something soo selfish.  We need to understand that WE ARE THE HOSTS of this years Olympics.  C'mon people.  Does that not give you soo much joy in to think that the WORLD respects our country and tru

sts our country enough to allow us to host the worlds biggest competition.

Yes we have put a lot of money into building new stadiums and other sort of constructed plateaus for these winter events --- But could you possibly just take a second and think of how much money will be going back into our country with all those bloody freaking expensive ticket sales?!!!

So shocked and ashamed of my fellow Torontonians I walked back up the street to my original curbside and awaited the torch....

............  It never came...... The protestors marched bl

ocking off the entire street - police officers could do nothing but block them off from people who had come out with their families and their young children to watch a simple flame with hundreds and hundreds of years of history and beauty.

Breaks my heat to think of how the children standing there in their giant puffy coats missed out on something soo beautiful because of a selfish cause like the one last night....  I couldn't stand it.  Being myself - I began to boo as they marched passed me.  Ignoring the blatant screams coming from the marchers and all the fingers raised to express their anger towards me (someone whom was a form of little person) gave me the finger as well.  Though this broke my anger and turned to laughter seeing how she was rather hilarious in her "Hello Kitty" childrens puffy coat and giving me the finger while wearing mittens.... hahaha.  I understood what she was trying to get across - but it was like getting the fing

er from Frosty the snow man.... There are clearly not separated fingers there! haha

But I was back to my angered boo's and comments as they passed by causing a heinous act of rebellion....  I had done this for only a little while before I was spotted by a news team from CTV.  Quickly they ran and asked me for my opinion on the matter being one of the only people in my general area protesting against their hate.

I expressed to the interviewer (while being filmed) how insulting it was to see their hate against something that stands for peace and love in this world where we have close to none!!!  I couldn't say everything I wanted to due to it only being a quick word of opinion with them.  But as expressing their ignorant rampage as being one uned

ucated protest - seeing how there are ways they could get that without ruining something so beautifully romantic in this world as the running of an olympic torch.  

Our world is shaped with cynicism these days........  And it's sad.  Truly is.  Why can't people look towards beauty and light and love and peace rather than looking towards the dark and the need for greed and hate.

Truly am heartbroken by all of this.  Spending the afternoon depressed at how the love and excitement I have for these games - the games to which I remember going over to my best friends house to watch as many competitions as possi

ble over 4 years ago and cheering on my Country as we celebrated peace and love in games that celebrate greatness amongst athletes and humanity.

This year my best friend is living in Europe and only through internet chats do I get to speak to him.  This year I don't have a television set....  This year I will be online learning statistics and watching clips of these events.  That alone saddens me.  But never could I imagine people being as ruthless in their cause as to insult something so pure in this world.

I have been a Beatles fan for most of my life.  As I grew up it was only the songs of The Beatles or The Beach Boys that I heard.  And it took me almost 2

1 years to finally understand what John Lennon tried to tell the world through his song Imagine.

I end this post with his song.....  Look through the lyrics.  I know we all know them.... But lets UNDERSTAND them now.....  More important.

Imagine by John Lennon :

Imagine there's no Heaven 

It's easy if you try 

No hell below us 

Above us only sky 

Imagine all the people 

Living for today 

Imagine there's no countries 

It isn't hard to do 

Nothing to kill or die for 

And no religion too 

Imagine all the people 

Living life in peace 

You may say that I'm a dreamer 

But I'm not the only one 

I hope someday you'll join us 

And the world will be as one 

Imagine no possessions 

I wonder if you can 

No need for greed or hunger 

A brotherhood of man 

Imagine all the people 

Sharing all the world 

You may say that I'm a dreamer 

But I'm not the only one 

I hope someday you'll join us 

And the world will live as one 

-pJ