For once in my life!

So -

In my mind - I have been replaying certain things over and over again. Things like opening phrase Stevie Wonder sings "For once in my life" - and also scenes from the Sean Astin movie "Rudy" where he dreams of playing football for Notre Dame and he tries for years and does everything to make his father watch him and just be proud.... I've been running through my thoughts lyrics of songs I've written - prayers - and other show tune lyrics that bring a smile to my face.

For once in my life --- I feel worth something. I feel like I have something. I look at myself in the mirror now and can see the things people compliment me on. I'd do a musical and think to myself "oh what ever - I was alright. I made people laugh" - to myself - I wasn't acting. I was just being a contained silly that people seemed to enjoy. Like watching a friend be really funny in a party situation.

I don't know if this is a part of my self conscious way toward myself. - It's funny, I dress to impress haha :D - My friend once said to me "Goin out for a walk? - Wear a tie! Dress to impress!"

Not only have I taken him seriously - but I found when I dressed in a nicer side of fashion I hid away all my self consciousness. I wasn't worrying how I looked without that designer shirt on. Or how chopped up my teeth have looked since this past summer. I go into "PJ" mode. This was almost a character..... But now - I've been finding that this was no character.. This was me - just coming more alive. It wasn't the clothes hahaha. That is just a small thing towards it.

Out of the many times I've seen a friend hurting over something - Over the past couple of years I have seen old friends pass away - Camp friends/campers and even family members all pass. I have had more than my own share of emotional trauma over relationships and breakups. Through depression and self implosion which like most stereotypical person - drowning themselves in alcohol..... Which is kind of a confession to some people who (one in particular) asked me how I know soo much about alcohol. It's easy to become a connoisseur when the very thing that you know soo much about used to be very close and personal with you while everything else in the world seemed dark and closed off. God I have been rejected from the same Film program every year I have applied and I just cursed the world not understanding what I was doing wrong. Honing my skills just wasn't good enough. But I wasn't meant for that as it appears.

And alas - I look in the mirror and I know NOW - that although I am just getting on my way - I feel something big could happen. My life is just beginning. Hell I am only twenty. I have so much more to do - and now I can. I am filled with gratitude and joy and I see the world as an obtainable goal. I'm running forward and to quote Freddie Mercury "you, Can't Stop Me Now"

I'm in. Acknowledge me now as a Theater student. No matter what happens in my life now - I am in the profession. Musical Theater - WOW - still blows me away.

-Next up for me - and something for you to look forward to - I am in the process of YES finishing my songs.

I'll keep you posted my beloved SKreaders. And as for now, of course ............................................. I dance ;D

-pJ

ps..... Practice Gratitude -

Thank you Warren for your amazing knowledge of this world of Acting and the hilarious monologue you handed off to me. All my wonderful camp friends whom I really don't consider "camp" friends but rather my BEST FRIENDS - all your support has pushed me to levels I only dreamed about. You all make me fearless as I step out into this intimidatingly horror film of a world. I love you all - and together you all make this a fresh world to live in! - power to you all - Live-Laugh-Love-Eat Kraft Dinner!